My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
