i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
