Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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