Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
