i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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