he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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