Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
