Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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