nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
