Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We need a shit load of segways right now
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
