I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
