apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
its not stalking. its research.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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