her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
