get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
