he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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