Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
