he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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