I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
