to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
