you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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