All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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