1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize