I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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