I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
