ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
