You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
