Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
