The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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