best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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