she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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