i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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