apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
