Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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