im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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