I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
