Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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