So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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