I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Four minutes until I can fart!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I AM VODKA MAN
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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