That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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