i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
