I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I think I just sharted jello shots
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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