Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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