If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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