you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
