and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
