What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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