Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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