It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
