so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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