My first STD was from a foam party
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
