I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
